


at a standstill (turn it around)

by johnnlaurenss



Series: turn it around [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kid Fic, M/M, Okay A Lot, Other, as per usual SO MUCH FLUFF, relationship milestones, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 18:16:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10996314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnlaurenss/pseuds/johnnlaurenss
Summary: Things are fine.No, really. Things are fine.Their friends are getting married, are already married, are talking about babies.They’ve barely talked about their plans for a month from now.***In which milestones in his friends' lives makes John have some doubts, babies make emotions run high, and Alex and John manage to talk about their feelings.





	at a standstill (turn it around)

**Author's Note:**

> For every other person who wanted an unnecessary kid!fic.
> 
>  
> 
> (I know nothing about adoption, social work, and a few other themes in the story. I did my best to research while writing but some things are unaccessible. If there are any glaring errors please let me know, but for the sake of story-telling let us pretend that life happens this way.)

Things are fine.

 

No, really. Things are _fine_.

 

They’ve just moved into a new apartment. They’ve been dating for a few years, they’ve navigated the ups and the downs and they’ve had their fair share of fights. They’ve talked about their future. Sort of.

 

Hercules and Lafayette eloped. And now they’re talking about babies.

 

They’ve barely talked about their plans for a month from now.

 

John isn’t worried. He _isn’t_. He and Alex are still fairly young, and before they even started dating they talked about how neither of them wanted to get married for a while. They’re still young. John’s only had the orphanage for a year and a half, and Alex is still exploring options outside of teaching. Marriage is years away— _kids_ are years away. And John is _fine_ with that.

 

Except sometimes he feels like he’s stuck in a rut, that they’ve been going in circles and he’s only just noticed but Alex has known for a while and is wondering if it’s all worth it. Sometimes he’ll come home to Alex staring absentmindedly out the window or holding an old photo-book filled with the only pictures he has of his childhood. Alex tells John all the time that he’s never been so happy, but John knows how Alex does nostalgia. He knows everything about Alex, head to toe and inside and out and everything in between. Alex is _missing_ something.

 

John can’t help but feel like it’s his fault.

 

He holds Alex’s hand a bit too tight sometimes and kisses him a bit too long. If Alex notices, he doesn’t say anything.

 

Lafayette stops by the orphanage sometimes when they have the time. John is sitting in the makeshift office he and Eliza threw together when Lafayette finds him. One day, they’ll have a real official office and a better home for the kids but for now neither of them mind pretending that the glorified closet is large enough to house their office. Lafayette drops a kiss on the top of John’s head and John gives them a grunt in acknowledgement as he frowns at the paperwork in his hands.

 

“That isn’t a very happy look,” Lafayette observes. They’re trying to make a seat out of the small spot on the desk where there isn’t John’s clutter. John shakes his head absently.

 

“We’re still trying to find a way to get more kids,” John murmurs. “There are a lot of kids in the city who need a place to go, but we’re still a young organization and the city doesn’t trust us yet. We’re lucky Washington gave us this space, we’re lucky to have Schuyler behind us, but. We can’t do any good if we can’t get the kids in here.”

 

They’ve got three kids right now. John loves them, irrevocably.

 

Lafayette fidgets. “John,” they begin. It’s a serious tone—John’s instantly on alert, glancing up at his friend and giving them his entire attention. “Hercules and I have mentioned… Well, you know we have been thinking about adopting.”

 

John tries to keep his smile restrained, but he can’t really keep it hidden and Lafayette grins back almost immediately. “I know, buddy,” he prods.

 

“We trust you,” Lafayette says, suddenly, simply. “We want… John, if we do this, we want it to be through you and Eliza. If that is possible. Perhaps it is a conflict of interest, due to the nature of our friendship and how long we have known each other and all. But there is no one else that we want to go through to do this, we want to help you and we know that you are doing it with the right state of mind and heart.”

 

“Lafayette,” John whispers. He’s incredibly touched, overwhelmed a bit, and he leans forward to squeeze Lafayette’s thigh. “ _Fuck_ yes, I mean, _shit_. It might be a bit of a process and I can’t be the social worker to clear you guys but Angelica’s been talking to some potential new hires and one of them could examine you guys, but. I mean, _Christ_ , I really think we could make it work and I want you guys. Fuck. You’re gonna be _parents_.”

 

Lafayette laughs sort of breathlessly. It takes John back for a moment, to years ago sitting at a booth in a bar with all eyes on them as Hercules pulled away from kissing them for the first time in front of their friends. It’s uncontainable excitement and joy and contentment and John is _thrilled_ for Lafayette and Hercules. That moment seems like eons ago, a snapshot in a photo-book that John’s spent too long neglecting. They’ve all come so far since then. John didn’t even know Alex loved him yet.

 

Uncontainable excitement.

 

John sort of misses it.

 

He’s retreated back into his own head a bit, he can tell by the way Lafayette puts their hand over his and squeezes gently. He startles; Lafayette is staring at him with concern in their soft eyes. “Something is on your mind,” they say simply. They’ve always been alarmingly good at reading John.

 

He fidgets. “I feel like I’m going in circles around Alex, and we aren’t going forward but we aren’t going backward either and we’re just _stuck_ and someday he’s gonna wake up and realize that I don’t know where to go from here and he’s not gonna wanna stick with me anymore.”

 

John sniffs loudly. Lafayette looks startled, taken aback by John’s quick rush of words and insecurities. They furrow their brow and peer curiously at him. “I am not sure you understand just how desperately in love with you Alex is.”

 

John blushes.

 

“Okay, _god_ ,” he whines. “Fuck, this is why I hate this shit. Talking, about feelings or whatever. Oh my god.”

 

Lafayette rolls their eyes. “John, listen. There are few things I know for certain. But one of them is that the love Alex has for you is entirely unique and everlasting. Perhaps you are not moving in either direction right now but that does not change the fact that Alex will never stop loving you. Do you feel as if you love him any less?”

 

“ _No,_ god no,” yelps John. That isn’t it at _all_. “If anything, I’m like. Even more obsessed with him than I was before. He’s— _Christ_ , Laf, this isn’t making any sense. He’s the goddamn love of my life, okay? Always has been, always will be.”

 

This earns him a laugh. “Then I do not think you have any reason to worry.”

 

John bites his lip.

 

“Have you and Alex been fighting?” Lafayette prompts gently. John sucks in a sharp breath.

 

“No,” he admits. “It’s actually been a while since our last big fight. We bicker, sometimes, but that’s just the way we talk sometimes. I think I’d be less worried if we _were_ fighting. Alex just seems… Resigned. I guess. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe, because nothing has changed and nothing is really wrong.”

 

Lafayette smiles softly. “I wish you wouldn’t worry, John. This is something that every couple goes through. Hell, Hercules and I went through this not all that long ago.”

 

“What did you do to get out of it?” John asks, desperate.

 

“We eloped,” Lafayette deadpans.

 

John makes a strangled, panicked noise before he can stop it. It makes Lafayette grin wickedly from ear to ear as John tries to hide the blush on his cheeks.

 

“I don’t think Alex and I are ready for that just yet,” he announces loudly. It’s muffled by his hands covering his face and Lafayette lets out a snicker.

 

“It is not for everyone,” they admit. “Hercules and I just decided, why wait? You already know. Within forty-eight hours of deciding, we were walking into the courthouse and leaving with rings on our hands. I thought you and Alex were going to have an aneurism.”

 

John peeks at Lafayette through his fingers. They’re picking at a thread on the sleeve of their sweater, frowning slightly. “We were surprised,” John admits, “when you called us and told us to meet you at the courthouse. We thought you’d want something more extravagant. But in the end, it wasn’t a shock. It fit you and it made you happy and so we were happy for you.”

 

Lafayette shrugs their shoulders but the tips of their ears are pink and John knows its what they needed to hear.

 

John fidgets. “I’d like to marry Alex, one day,” he admits. “It’s not like we’ve never talked about it before. You’ve heard us talk about it, our forever deal. I’m just. I don’t feel like either of us are ready for that and it’s not something I want to rush into. But I don’t know where else we’re supposed to _go_ from here. God, we’ve been dating for so long. I _love_ calling him my boyfriend, I love living with him, that’s never lessened or went away. But it feels like there’s only one next step and maybe it’s just me who is terrified to take the leap.”

 

Lafayette reaches forward and twines their fingers in between John’s. It’s nice, reassuring in a way John hadn’t expected. “That is not your only next step. You and Alex have nothing but time. I can assure you of that. I think what you need to do now is talk to him. He knows more about his feelings than I do.”

 

John snorts. “That might be true, but I think you’re forgetting that you were the one who had to fucking tell him he was in love with me in the first place.”

 

Lafayette shrugs. “What can I say? You’re welcome.”

 

John rolls his eyes and pushes at Lafayette and laughs when they shove back, and after that it’s easy to fall back into simpler conversations and spent their time catching up even though they see each other far too often. Eventually John pulls out paperwork and hands it to Lafayette and tells them to give the papers back after he and Hercules go over everything. Lafayette starts to cry and hugs John a bit too tight, and John pretends he isn’t a bit teary-eyed as well and wipes at his eyes when Lafayette isn’t looking.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hercules and Lafayette have their home inspection today,” Eliza announces a week later, collapsing on the couch next to John and laying her head on his shoulder. He smiles fondly at her though she can’t see it.

 

“Fuck, this seems to be going so fast,” Alex murmurs. He’s perched at John’s feet, nose buried in a book, highlighter covering his hands and frowning at the words on his pages. John tugs on a strand of Alex’s hair before continuing to braid it.

 

Eliza hums distractedly. “It was easy to get them through the initial process, they’ve done their research. The social worker Angelica found for them seems really interested in helping them out, too. They’re coming by tomorrow to meet William.”

 

Alex glances up, as much as he can while John is braiding his hair. “William?”

 

“One of the kids,” John tells him, gently nudging his head back down. “Four years old. Laf and Herc looked through his folder and fell absolutely in love with him. Tomorrow they’re going to meet him and we’re going to make sure they’re a good fit.”

 

Alex mades a noise at the back of his throat in acknowledgement. Eliza’s pulled out her phone by now and is frowning at it. “Peggy says she’s gonna be stuck in Jersey for a bit longer,” she murmurs. “I think she’s held up with the fundraising crisis. John, do you mind…?”

 

“Staying the night?” he finishes. He’s finished Alex’s braid and is wrapping a hair tie at the end of it. “You know I don’t mind. ‘Lex, you wanna stay the night, too?”

 

Alex turns his head slightly and blinks at John. “Uh,” he murmurs, still distracted by whatever book he’s got in his hands. “Yeah. Yeah, that should be fine. I just need to run home and get some stuff first.”

 

John hums in response. “I’ll give you a list of things to grab for me, too.”

 

He can’t see it but he _knows_ Alex rolls his eyes. “Is that all I’m good for?” he whines. “To be your pack mule?”

 

“Nah,” John disagrees. He puts his hand on Alex’s cheek and makes him turn just enough that John can lean down and kiss him. “You’re also a half decent kisser.”

 

Eliza makes an affronted noise at being jostled so that John could kiss his boyfriend, but when they both turn to look at her she’s got a fond grin on her face. “You’re like an old married couple,” she teases. Her phone is still in her hands.

 

Alex sticks his tongue out at her and John finds it hopelessly endearing, as per usual.

 

“Like you and Maria are any better,” he shoots back. He rests his chin on John’s thigh and John’s fingers absentmindedly go to the end of his braid to run his fingers through it again.

 

Eliza opens her mouth to shoot back a retort but stops when her phone starts ringing. She gets this dopey smile on her face almost instantly. Alex raises his eyebrow pointedly. “Shut up, she’s cuter than both of you,” Eliza says lightly. She stands quickly and leaves the living room to answer the call. John sighs.

 

“The kids will probably be awake soon,” he says mournfully. He lives for naptime—all three kids go down and the orphanage is quiet for an hour or two. It gives John time to read or clean or do paperwork or visit with his boyfriend, and it’s cherished time. Alex pouts.

 

“Do you mind if I stay for a little bit longer?” he says. “I can hide out in the office if you want me out of the way.”

 

John kisses the top of his head and shifts Alex enough that he can stand up. “That’s fine,” he says easily. “You know we don’t mind. If you have the time, maybe you could help out a bit? You can even meet the kids if you want.”

 

“I’ve met one of them,” Alex reminds him. He’s closing his book and stretching his legs out lazily in front of him. “I’d love to meet the other two. Though Laf and Herc might kill me if I meet their future kid before they do.”

 

John can’t help but smirk. “Don’t teach them pranks. I’m too tired to deal with that.”

 

“ _John_ Laurens,” Alex says, mock affronted. “I would _never_.”

 

John rolls his eyes as he picks up his phone from next to the kitchen sink. He frowns slightly at the text on the screen. He’s crossing the room absentmindedly and he bends down as Alex looks up so he can kiss him quickly. “You would, and that’s why I’m so goddamn obsessed with you.”

 

Alex grabs at John’s shirt and pulls him back down for another kiss, not much more than pressed lips together but John can’t stop smiling all the same. “I thought it was because of my ass,” Alex whispers.

 

John groans and pushes at Alex’s hands but they’re both laughing nonetheless.

 

“Don’t make out in our living room, the kids will be up soon!” Eliza chides, sweeping into the room gracefully. She’s tapping away on her phone when she points at John. “Are you guys done? John, did you get the text?”

 

He straightens and smiles when Alex squeezes his calf and turns his attention back to his book. “Yeah,” John responds. His brow furrows.

 

Eliza looks at him tiredly. “Do you want to manage it while I wake up the kids, or?”

 

“I can deal with it,” he murmurs. “You just focus on the babies. Alex says he can help you however you need, too. I don’t know when he wanted to go home but he should be here for the rest of the night to help out.”

 

Alex doesn’t say anything but he does point a lazy finger gun at Eliza as he turns the page of his textbook. John is _annoyingly_ _fond_ of him.

 

Eliza grabs at John’s wrist and pulls. “Can we talk for a minute?” she murmurs. Her gaze darts towards the hallway so John easily follows her there.

 

“What’s up?” he says immediately, and she squeezes at his wrist again.

 

“You’re doing okay, right?” she says bluntly. There’s an edge to her tone; not a harsh one, mostly a bite out of worry slipping through the cracks of her usually-calm facade. John can’t help but tense up in panic.

 

“Why?” he asks hurriedly. “Did someone say something? Did you notice something? What did you _see_?”

 

Eliza hushes him before breaking off into a small laugh. “My god, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she muses. “It’s just—you’ve been trapped in your own head these past few days. But you seem better today. I just wanted to check in on you.”

 

John swallows. He’s not surprised that Eliza picked up on his odd behavior—she’s always had a knack for knowing when things were wrong before anyone else. “I’m fine,” he lies. Though, technically, he thinks it isn’t a lie. He _is_ fine. Things are _fine_. Well. They aren’t _bad_ , at least.

 

John might be having a panic attack.

 

Eliza quickly envelopes him in a hug, rubbing his back until it’s easier for him to breathe. “John,” she frets. “Tell me.”

 

How can he not? He’s still scared. He’s trying desperately not to be, because Lafayette told him things are fine and he _knows_ things are fine and there’s nothing _wrong_ except that he’s lousy at this. He’s never done this, he can’t gouge how normal his doubts and fears. He knows that he loves Alex and that Alex loves him—startlingly enough, he’s never doubted that.

 

He’s mostly just afraid that his love isn’t enough anymore.

 

He leads Eliza further down the hall, closer to the babies’ rooms and farther from Alex. She’s got a gentle look in her eyes, mostly worry, but she’s never pitied John and he knows she won’t start now. “Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in the same goddamn place you’ve been in for months? Like, it’s not like you aren’t happy because you _are_ , but it’s just that you’re not going anywhere?”

 

Eliza blinks slowly. “Like a traveller stuck in one place for too long?” she prods. John’s shoulders sag a bit.

 

“Yes,” he mutters. “Exactly like that.”

 

“Tell me?” she pushes again.

 

John groans. “I’m still absolute shit at this, I hate this, feelings are horrible. Oh my god.” He tugs on a runaway curl by his ear and frowns. “I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same spot for far too long. And it’s not that I need to go somewhere, because it’s not a physical thing. It’s just. I feel like…my relationship, with Alex. It’s just been at a standstill. It’s not going downhill, because we’re still happy. But we aren’t going anywhere else either.”

 

“John—” Eliza starts.

 

“No, wait,” he says hurriedly. “It’s like. Alex and I are happy, we’re content. But Laf and Herc just got married; I mean, they’re adopting a goddamn kid. You and Maria just moved in together, which is a huge fucking step. Peggy met someone, Angelica just accepted a huge job promotion, Burr’s wife is pregnant. Everyone is going forward. Except for us.”

 

Eliza reaches for his hand again. “Have you talked to Alex about this?” she asks.

 

John tries not to groan again. “ _No_ , oh my god. I can barely even talk to you about it, he’d just laugh at me—”

 

“He would not,” Eliza interrupts.

 

“How the hell do I even start that conversation? ‘Hey babe, how was your day, by the way are you still in love with me?’ He’s gonna think something’s wrong!”

 

Eliza glares at him. “John, I just witnessed with my own two eyes actual _proof_ that Alex is definitely still in love with you. I know my words mean absolutely nothing, but I hope I can reassure you that if there’s anything for certain—it’s the fact that that poor boy is as hopelessly in love with you as he was years ago when he came up with that stupid plan.”

 

A frown tugs at the corner of John’s lip. “It _worked_.”

 

Eliza makes a dismissive sound. “You were in love with him for much longer than you thought,” she says firmly. “Even I know that, and I didn’t even know you guys yet.”

 

John blushes.

 

“John, sweetie, I don’t want you to feel like your insecurities are stupid,” Eliza continues. Her voice is soft. “It’s reasonable to be afraid, especially after you two have been together for so long. But there’s no simple way to solve this that doesn’t involve you talking to Alex about this. From what I can tell, there isn’t any reason for you to worry. Just because your love life is moving slower than the rest of your life doesn’t mean that your love life will never move again. You two make each other far too happy.”

 

Something in her words settles in John’s insides and fills him with warmth, lifting a weight off his shoulders. It’s a nice break from the constant stress that’s been running through his mind the past few days. “Thank you,” he breathes. “And. I don’t know. I guess I’ll talk to him, when I can work up the nerve. Just. Thanks again.”

 

Eliza smiles at him. Whatever she’s about to say is quieted by the sounds of one of the babies waking up, making sad crying sounds and fidgeting in their beds.

 

“That would be Dolly,” she sighs. “I’ll go grab her. Do you think Alex would mind playing with her for a few minutes while I get William and Beth settled in the play room?”

 

John’s heart skips a beat or ten at the idea of Alex holding Dolly in his arms and playing with her until Eliza can come back. He’s struggling to breathe again but for an entirely different reason; he makes a half-strangled noise in his throat and blushes when Eliza grins wickedly at him.

 

“If you wouldn’t mind taking her to him…” she says, a teasing drawl in her tone.

 

John is absolutely sure he’d have eight heart attacks if he did that.

 

“No, nah, I’m gonna go deal with the thing now,” he stammers. “But, um. Alex said he’d help, so yeah. You—I’m going.”

 

Eliza’s laugh follows him further down the hall as he trudges quickly towards their makeshift office. He pretends that he isn’t blushing from head to toe. “If anything, John, I’m only more certain now that you and Alex have nothing to worry about!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eliza sends him a snapchat later of Alex holding Dolly. His hair is still in the braid John did, though the end of it is twined in Dolly’s chubby little fingers. His eyes are wide and he’s grinning down at her even as she stares at the end of his braid in wonder.

 

John does have approximately eight heart attacks at the sight of it.

 

He screenshots it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

John’s sitting at the dining table with a kid in his lap a day later when Eliza strolls into the kitchen with an air of formality. Trailing behind her is Lafayette, Hercules, and the social worker Noialles. John straightens when he notices them; in his arms, William feels the movement and his babbling while he draws comes to a close as his eyes take in the collective of people.

 

“William,” Eliza says sweetly. He smiles brightly at her; it only lasts for a moment before it dims, his gaze drifting to the strangers he doesn’t recognize.

 

John murmurs a few reassuring sentiments in his ear, the few things in Korean he’d learned since William had landed in their orphanage. Sometimes the familiar language is the only thing that will reassure the young boy.

 

Behind Eliza, Lafayette reaches almost desperately for Hercules’ hand. There are tears in their eyes that they fight back as they try to contain their joy.

 

“He’s beautiful,” Hercules murmurs. John isn’t sure he’s even aware he said it out loud.

 

“William,” John says. The boy turns his wide eyes and focuses on John. “There are some people we would like you to meet. They love you very much already, and you don’t have to meet with them for very long if you don’t want to.”

 

William takes a deep breath and juts out his lower lip determinedly. He turns back to Lafayette and Hercules, his gaze lingering on Noialles for a moment as well. Eliza has to prod Laf and Herc towards the table.

 

“Hi, William,” Hercules says. His voice is gentler now than John has heard it in a long time.

 

William waves slightly.

 

A small, hysteric giggle bursts from Lafayette. They cover their mouth in surprise. “Sorry,” they say quickly when William’s eyes widen. “I am just very excited to meet you.”

 

William lets out a pleased cry and points at Lafayette. “He has an funny voice like me!”

 

That earns him a smile from every person in the room. “Yes,” John encourages. “Do you remember what I told you those were called, _mijo_?”

 

It takes a moment for William to respond but eventually he whispers, “Accents?” and Eliza claps her hands in delight. William smiles proudly but is soon distracted by his drawing and picks up his crayon again.

 

Both Lafayette and Hercules are watching him in earnest, unable to take their eyes off of him.

 

Noialles moves forward easily, coming to stand behind John. “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced,” he says lowly. He extends a hand, and John shifts William carefully to shake it. “I am Antoine de Noialles, we have a mutual acquaintance in Angelica Schuyler.”

 

“John Laurens,” he says before dropping Noialles’ hand. “I’d say Angelica is more than an acquaintance, for both of us.”

 

Noialles smiles at that. He’s got a soft face, an air of sophistication that makes it immediately clear to John just how Angelica managed to find this guy. “I suppose you’re right. I must admit I didn’t expect her to become so prominent in my life.”

 

Eliza leans forward. “Tell me about it,” she whispers conspiringly. The adults laugh again, suddenly enough that it startles William out of his drawing and makes him look up. His gaze is immediately drawn to Lafayette, who sucks in a surprised breath when William levels them with his gaze.

 

“Can I sit with you?” he asks, confidently. Lafayette looks like they might start to cry again. Easily, John helps William climb off of his lap to go sit with Lafayette. “What’s your name?”

 

“I am Lafayette,” they say. Their eyes are full of wonder and John knows he should probably look away, to give them this moment, but he _can’t_. It’s beautiful and he’s enraptured. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“You too,” William says. “What’s his name?”

 

He points to Hercules.

 

Noialles leans forward. “I’ve got an idea on how to expedite all the paperwork for this case,” he murmurs to John. “We’re lucky they’ve done their research. They passed all of their inspections yesterday with flying colors—and a glowing review from Miss Schuyler and I. Depending on how well William fits in with them, I’d like to get this settled as soon as possible.”

 

John can’t help but nod eagerly. “Whatever you need us to do, we’ll do it,” he says confidently. Noialles claps him on the shoulder.

 

“William,” Eliza says, and all eyes turn to her again. It takes another two times of calling his name to get him to finally turn to her, but he smiles at her when he does. “There’s something important we’ve got to tell you, so I need you to listen. Can you do that?”

 

William nods.

 

“Do you remember why you came to live with John and Peggy and I, and Beth and Dolly?” Eliza asks him gently.

 

William looks down at the crayon in between his chubby fingers. “Something happened to my mommy and daddy,” he says. It’s almost like a recital. He furrows his brow. “So I came to stay here for a little while. But not for permanent.”

 

“Not permanently,” John corrects him, nudging him along. William nods.

 

“Because you were trying to find me new parents, right?” he asks. His little eyes are wide again, and almost out of instinct he makes a fist out of his fingers with the fabric of Laf’s shirt clenched in between.

 

John can’t help but smile. He knows Eliza is smiling too, and William looks _hopeful_ —“That’s right!” Eliza encourages him. “William, Lafayette and Hercules want to be your new parents, but only if you think you’d be okay with that.”

 

It’s quiet then, as they all await William’s response with baited breath. He’s still got a fistful of Lafayette’s shirt, and he looks back and forth between Laf and Hercules, and Eliza and John, even glancing a few times at Noialles though he doesn’t know him. His tiny brow’s got the slightest furrow in it, a worry line that John wants to smooth away out of habit. The phrases he repeats to William in Korean are already sitting at the back of his throat, instinctively coming up in response to the worry evident on William’s face. He bites them down.

  
“Will I still see Liza? And John?”

 

Almost automatically, both Eliza and John reach forward to grasp William’s hands. “Of course,” Eliza coos.

 

“You’ll see us as much as you want,” John promises.

 

William grins, from ear to ear, a toothy and beautiful grin. “ _Yes_.”

 

***

 

The apartment has been quiet for days now.

 

John’s been in and out, barely able to spend time in his own home as he darts back and forth between the court room and Angelica’s office and the orphanage. Alex has been endearingly patient throughout it all, not minding the nights John has spent at the orphanage and even offering to join him half the time.

 

For as much as Alex is an asshole, he’s also endearingly sweet.

 

John’s aching from head to toe with love for him.

 

He finally comes home one day, exhausted in his bones, and he finds Alex in their kitchen humming to himself and the smell of asopao drifting through the air. John lets out an almost obscene moan at the smell, and Alex laughs at him from far away.

 

“You’re the best boyfriend ever, I love you, never leave me ever,” John sings as he practically skips into the kitchen. Alex pouring asopao into bowls, rolling his eyes as John waltzes over to him and kisses him noisily on the cheek.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” he teases, but he turns his head when John lingers too close and lets John kiss him all the same.

 

“I’m serious,” John sighs. He’s crossing the kitchen to grab glasses out of the cupboard. Alex hums in acknowledgement. “I love your asopao. It’s _divine_ , literally unfairly so. How’d you know I’d be home tonight?”

 

Alex shrugs. “I may or may not have texted Eliza and asked her to let me know when she was letting you off the hook,” Alex says noncommittally.

 

The casual intimacy Alex displays sometimes still manages to knock John off his feet. The way he _says_ that, like it’s no big deal that he went out of his way to find out when John would be able to come home just so he could make him a nice meal and take his mind off of work is enough to make his heart flutter obnoxiously in his chest. He thought that after years of being in love, it was supposed to become second nature to expect things like this.

 

He supposes he’ll never stop having embarrassing reactions to Alex doing thoughtful things for him.

 

John finally manages to make a strangled noise in response, and Alex’s replying chuckle is low and throaty and familiar in a way that makes John ache.

 

They set the table out of routine, Alex bringing their meals over as John gets the drinks and the silverware. Finally, they settle, and Alex asks John about his day, and they talk about menial things while they eat. John pretends like he’s not thinking solely about the conversations he’s had with Eliza and Lafayette over the past few days.

 

Days like these, it’s easy to forget that he has worries at all. It’s easy to fall back into their day-to-day routine, to not spare a glance at the ease of it all. It’s easy to pretend that he doesn’t spend the majority of his day worried that what he’s doing isn’t enough. It’s lazy and familiar and the weight of it all knocks the breath out of John, and he knows now that he can’t keep this in for much longer.

 

He supposes he was advised to talk to Alex, after all.

 

He waits until dinner is done, until they’ve squared away dinner and the dishes and settled onto the couch lazily. Alex settles on one end of the couch and John lays down across it, resting his head in Alex’s lap. Alex gives him a fond smile and they both scroll through their phones in quiet for a moment until John finally gets the strength to clear his throat.

 

Alex peers down at him, one eyebrow raised. “Yes?” he prods.

 

John’s already embarrassed.

 

“Can we—” his hands wave uselessly in the air. “Can we talk?”

 

Alex looks surprised for a split second but he nods nonetheless and puts his phone down. Out of habit, his hands go to John’s hair, running his fingers through the curls as much as he can. “Of course,” he says easily.

 

John wishes he could hide.

 

He makes a frustrated noise and screws his eyes shut for a moment while he tries to gather his thoughts. It doesn’t matter how much he repeats how horrible he is with talking about his feelings—he’s started it, he's gotten himself into this mess, and he can’t back out now.

 

“I’m just,” he starts, and it’s wrong so he stops. He groans again. “Okay. Sorry. I am worried that our relationship is at a standstill, and that we aren’t going anywhere. And I’m worried that you’re going to notice that, and realize that I’m not doing enough or whatever, and then things will get bad.”

 

Alex furrows his brow. John can’t really look at him without blushing entirely, so he closes his eyes again. Alex doesn’t stop playing with his hair. “I’m confused,” he admits, after a while.

 

John sighs. “I feel like. Everyone else is taking these big steps, like moving in together or getting married or adopting a _kid_ for god’s sake. And then there’s us—and like, _yes_ , I know neither of us are ready for a kid, I mean, Jesus, we barely take care of ourselves half the time. And we’ve already had the marriage talk, sort of, and that’s farther down the road. But there’s no step for us to take for a while and I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid that soon you’re gonna realize I’m just at a standstill and then you’re gonna want someone who can give you more.”

 

_Christ_. He just word-vomited all over his boyfriend. He covers his eyes with his hands.

 

It’s quiet, for almost a beat too long.

 

“If I asked you to marry me right now, what would you say?”

 

He says it quietly, almost hesitantly. It doesn’t even take a second before the response is tearing out of John— “Yes.”

 

And—oh. Okay.

 

That was unexpected.

 

He uncovers his eyes and looks at Alex in shock.

 

“I’m not,” Alex says quickly. “I mean. I do want to marry you. You know, like, one day. I just—I had a point to prove, Christ, I’m sorry.”

 

John’s heart is beating out a staccato in his chest.

 

“What I was trying to prove,” begins Alex, “is that we aren’t at a standstill. Babe, we were already living together when we started dating. That’s one of the big steps, and we fucking plowed through it ages before we even got our shit together. We were going a hundred miles per hour at the beginning, and now we’ve slowed down. We’ve caught up to our lives. We have _good lives_ , you’ve got the orphanage, I’ve got my students. This is a part of life we wanted to enjoy. It’s hard to enjoy it when you’re speeding through.”

 

And, okay, he has a point. John feels a bit better.

 

“Besides,” Alex continues. His voice has grown surprisingly soft. “You already give me everything I want and more. And when we _do_ decide we’re ready for more, whatever it is—I know without a shadow of a doubt that you’ll be ready to give it to me. I mean, hell, I half-proposed and you said yes without even hesitating.”

 

“In my defense,” John grits out, strangled, “we’ve talked about it before. That’s like already a half-engagement. Without the rings and wedding planning and shit. So.”

 

Alex laughs. “If that’s your logic, then we’ve been half-engaged ever since the goddamn beginning. We had a forever-deal, remember? You almost made me sign a fucking contract, you loser.”

 

“ _You_ drafted it, your damn lawyer instincts kicked in, _I_ thought it was a joke.”

 

They’re both giggling now, enraptured by one another and unable to look away from the other’s eyes. It’s nice; John can breathe again.

 

“My point is,” finishes Alex. “I’ll never grow tired of you. And I know that when the time comes, for the next step whatever it may be, I won’t be afraid to take it because I know I’ll have you there the whole time.”

 

And, yeah, okay, maybe Eliza and Lafayette had a point. Talking to Alex made it better times a thousand, easier to breathe and to think and to concentrate. He’s still got his worries—something tells him those won’t go away. But he can _breathe_ , and the weight he’d been carrying around is gone, and he’s not afraid for what comes next anymore.

 

They aren’t at a standstill.

 

John supposes he forgot, after all, that Alex is a hurricane of a man. Hurricanes don’t stand still.

 

“I love you,” he murmurs. Alex smiles fondly at him, cradles John’s face between his hands and bends down to press a kiss to his lips. It’s not the best angle, but John reaches up as best as he can to grab at Alex’s shirt and keep him there.

 

“I love you, too,” he echoes.

 

He bends down to kiss John again.

 

“Okay, but like, can we agree to never talk about this again?” John blurts out. Alex groans and rolls his eyes and tries to sit back up but John tightens the grip on his shirt. “I’m serious! This was embarrassing. You _know_ how hard it is for me to talk about that shit.”

 

“Your emotions?” Alex deadpans.

 

John whines. “You’re a shithead.”

 

“Fuck off,” Alex retorts. He grins again. “You’re the one who just told me that we’re never talking about our feelings again. Asshole. You made me fall the fuck in love with you and ruin my reputation and then I can’t even talk about my damn feelings?”

 

“In my defense, I’ve talked about my feelings a _lot_ recently between this and Eliza and Lafayette,” John insists. Alex looks down at him with a raised eyebrow. “Wait no, fuck, forget I said anything. I don’t talk about feelings, I only did this once with you—”

 

“Did you _gossip_ about me?!”

 

John doesn’t waste time after that shutting Alex up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**From: Noialles**

[11:28] Just finalized all the paperwork. I knew I could get it done fast. Tell your friends they can take their kid home as early as tomorrow once they sign everything.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They throw Hercules and Lafayette a party.

 

It’s nothing too extravagant, since the number of people not present at the signing of the final papers and initial celebration was a solid two.

 

Alex and Peggy both insist that the front door was unlocked when they reached Laf and Herc’s apartment to set up.

 

Mostly there’s a cake and some balloons, a few of William’s favorite snacks, and presents for the new family. Peggy also brought with her the print she’d had done to hang in William’s new room—a photograph of William sitting in Lafayette’s lap next to Hercules, coloring and chatting animatedly while Lafayette and Hercules stared at him with stars in their eyes. Their first family photo, curtesy of a picture Eliza had managed to snag during their first meeting.

 

John’s not sure how Peggy did it or how she even knew, but the print fits flawlessly into the design of William’s new room and was the missing piece that ties it all together.

 

Lafayette and Hercules take William to get lunch after everything is signed and official, and everyone else makes their way to the apartment to be there and surprise them upon their arrival. John’s greeted by a kiss from Alex and a hug from Peggy. “I hope you got pictures of the big moment,” she says threateningly. “Since you made me and Alex stay behind to set up for you fuckers.”

 

John grins sheepishly but she smiles at him all the same. “I got a few.”

 

“Good,” she says with a nod. “Mostly I’m just glad Angie didn’t hear me call you all fuckers.”

 

“She will if you keep saying it,” Angelica warns. She’s looking pointedly at the arrangement of flowers she’s setting on the table. “But I didn’t hear anything. Yet.”

 

Peggy rolls her eyes. “She thinks I’m still a child,” she whispers conspiringly.

 

Everything is set up in the nick of time; Eliza has just set the cake down on the table when Hercules’ keys jingle in the door. Everyone falls silent almost instantly. The door swings open, and—

 

“Congratulations!”

 

Lafayette and Hercules burst into laughs at the sight of their friends, and William laughs along in delight at the sight of a party. He’s still got many people to meet and a lot of adjustments to make, but for now the party is all that matters.

 

Alex passes out slices of cake to everyone as John juggles baby Dolly on his hip. Somewhere someone’s got Beth—neither him or Eliza wanted to miss the celebration and they very well couldn’t leave the two babies alone. Even so, all of the children are the life of the party. Everyone’s attention is on the babies, on William, on the new happy family. Alex tries to corral everyone into the living room when Hercules and Lafayette decide to show William his room. Nonetheless, they all share the same reaction; everyone is crying at the sight of William’s ecstasy and elation.

 

John doesn’t stay for much longer—he’s got to take the babies back to the orphanage and start cleaning everything up. He’s holding Beth now, and a quick glance around the room places Dolly in Alex’s arms.

 

It doesn’t take long for him to start making his rounds across the room, kissing cheeks and saying goodbyes until he reaches Alex.

 

“I’ve got to take them back to the orphanage,” he murmurs. “They’ll need a nap soon. I’ve got both the car seats in my car, if you want to—”

 

“I’ll come with you,” Alex murmurs. Dolly is asleep and holding onto a handful of Alex’s hair. “Just let me say my goodbyes. Will you get my coat? I think it’s in the kitchen, next to the unopened snacks.”

 

In record time, they’re strapping the babies into the car and on their way back to the orphanage. Wordlessly, Alex reaches over and grabs John’s hand. John glances down in surprise, still pleased at the sight of their intertwined fingers even after all these years. He squeezes Alex’s hand in return. “Is everything alright?” he asks.

 

Alex nods. “I’m just—happy,” he admits quietly. “For our friends. For us.”

 

John hums.

 

“And,” continues Alex. “I dunno. I guess today made me think, I’m excited to see where this road we’re on takes us. Even if you’re already kind of a parent.” He laughs, mostly to himself. “I suppose it’s a good thing I love those babies, too.”

 

John can’t help but smile. “I think that’s what it is,” he realizes. “Me having the orphanage. Thinking about the next step but not knowing when to take it. I’ve got these kids, you know? And that’s all I really need. Or even want right now. I mean, William was the first of our kids to get adopted, and he’s still in the family. It’s gonna be harder with the girls, when they end up with people that I won’t see daily or can’t text constantly to check up on. But.”

 

He doesn’t know how to explain it. It’s enough, for now.

 

After spending so long being unsure of whether or not he was even doing enough, it’s reassuring to know now that he’s finally found the place that it’s comfortable to drift in for a while. _Enough_. What a comforting sentiment.

 

“But,” Alex agrees.

 

He squeezes John’s hand again.

 

“Hey,” murmurs Alex, after a while. John glances at him, as much as he can without taking his eyes off the road for too long. They aren’t far from the orphanage at this point. “For what it’s worth. I’m damn proud of you. This was your dream, and you get to live it. I don’t know how you do it—how you’ll be able to let these kids go. But I’m so fucking proud.”

 

“You’re living your dream, too,” John reminds him. Alex shrugs; they’re still holding hands, and the movement shifts the position just a bit.

 

“My dream might be changing,” he admits, quietly, almost to himself. John can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face regardless.

 

“I’ll support you no matter what it is, you know that,” John murmurs. “It was in the terms of our forever-deal, remember?”

 

Alex laughs. “You’re an asshole sometimes, you know? But yeah, you’re right. You’re right. I’ve got—I’ve still got to think about it for a while. But Washington’s offered me something. And. It might be nice. It’d be good, for me.”

 

“That’s good, Alex. It could be a good thing.”

 

“Yeah,” Alex mutters. “Yeah. Thank you. I love you, shithead.”

 

John rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I love you too, asshole.”

 

And it’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> i am no longer an active part of the hamilton fandom, but if you need: you can find me on [tumblr](https://feuillyys.tumblr.com) crying abt les mis or on [twitter](https://twitter.com/garrettlaughIin) posting about various things.
> 
>  
> 
> comment, kudos, bookmark below!


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